Exploration of Family Affection

My sister, Sarah, was getting a check-up at the hospital when they found out she had leukemia. Turns out, my bone marrow was a perfect match.

Curiosity got the better of me, and I told my family that I was the one who was sick.

Their reaction was a unanimous no way.

Donating bone marrow is risky, we can't put Sarah through that, they said.

"You being sick is your problem, don't drag your sister into it. Youve gotta accept what life throws at you."

And Sarah herself just flat-out refused, claiming she was trying to get pregnant.

The last threads holding our family together were ripped to shreds.

I finally got it. I left my test results behind and walked out, done with the whole damn thing.

...

Id just found out I was pregnant myself when I got the news about the bone marrow match.

My advisor, Dr. Ramirez, had pulled me aside, looking grim. He told me that if I wanted to donate to Sarah, Id probably have to terminate my pregnancy first.

He urged me to think it through and talk it over with my husband, Ben.

And honestly, I was torn.

I'd been taking all kinds of herbs and going through fertility treatments for months to get this baby.

And Ben had been practically jumping for joy when he found out I was pregnant, like he couldn't wait to be a dad.

To lose this baby... It was a thought I could barely stand.

But Sarah was only 29, and she'd always been my parents' golden child, their world. If something happened to her, they'd be destroyed.

So, after agonizing about it all afternoon, I decided to go home after work that night.

When I got there, they were all having a big, happy dinner.

Besides Sarah and her husband, my younger brother, Matt, and his girlfriend were there too.

They were laughing, toasting - clearly celebrating something.

But the cozy scene froze the moment I walked in. Everyones smiles faltered, and they awkwardly put their glasses down.

Only my mom forced a chuckle, making a show of being affectionate as she pulled out a chair for me.

"We thought you were busy, honey, or we wouldve invited you. But you got lucky, sit down and eat with us.

But she could say all the nice things she wanted, her actions gave away the fact that there was a distance there.

Suddenly, I had this urge to mess with them a bit.

I did a complete 180. Instead of my usual quiet self, I turned and gently took hold of her hand that was on my arm.

"Mom, I'm sick."

Her hand stiffened. She played along, pretending it was nothing.

"...Uh, well, if youre sick, eat up. Food cures everything."

She didn't even ask what was wrong, she just used the excuse of moving the chair to pull her hand away from me.

Matt frowned.

"Ava, you're always trying to kill the mood. Every time something good happens in the family, you gotta spoil it."

"Sarah just got a spot on that big European tour. Dont tell me you weren't doing this on purpose."

I ignored him and sat down in the chair my mom had pulled out for me.

"... I have leukemia," I said.

Matt shut up.

My moms hand, which was reaching for the serving spoons, froze, and they dropped onto the floor.

The room went dead quiet.

My moms eyes welled up, she stood near me, wiping tears away.

At the head of the table, my dad, whod been quiet, finally spoke.

He said, "You need to tell your in-laws about this. They can afford the medical bills."

He shot me a disapproving look.

"You need to be more calm about this. Don't be so rash. Don't go and give your mother high blood pressure."

Mom scrubbed at her face and started piling food onto my plate.

"Your father is right. This isn't something that needs to be addressed right now, eat first."

Sarah smiled like she was a cheerful little girl.

"Yeah, you always worry too much, that's what makes you sick. Eat up, laugh, and everything will be okay."

I didn't touch my food.

I looked around at each of them.

"I'm not here to borrow money for treatment," I said.

"I came to ask if Sarah could donate bone marrow."

The room went silent again.

After a long pause, my dad slammed his fork down on the table.

"Nonsense!"

He scowled at me.

"Don't you know that donating bone marrow is risky?"

I laughed humorlessly.

"Isn't saving my life worth a small risk?"

My dad stubbornly turned his head away.

"We cant risk it with Sarah, even if it's a 1% risk, thats 100% risk to her.

I wasnt surprised by my dads answer. As the second child, who'd been sent away to live with family friends when I was a kid, he hadn't wanted me from the start, and wasn't excited about me coming back either.

But at least my mom and Sarah were friendly to me.

I turned to my mom.

She was already crying.

I looked at her hopefully, thinking that maybe this would be a chance for us to break through the awkwardness between us.

That maybe she would see that I was sick and hug me the way she always hugged Sarah.

But she just cried and said something even more heartless.

She said, "Sweetie, we all have to face whatever fate hands us, and even if you don't like it, you have to accept it."

She clutched her chest, looking devastated.

"Don't drag your sister into it just because you're sick. If I lost both my daughters, how would I go on living?"

That's when it hit me, Mom wasn't worried about losing both of her daughters.

She was just worried about losing Sarah.

I felt myself losing interest. I then looked at Sarah, the one who this whole ordeal was about.

Since Id been brought back home, Sarah had always been kind to me.

Even though she'd always said high-and-mighty things, it was obvious shed had a sheltered life.

At least she would tell Matt to stop when he was being mean to me.

So, I still had some hope left.

But Sarah's attitude was the opposite of her usual mildness, her face was contorted in anger as she glared at me.

"Ava, you're doing this on purpose!"

She stood up, emotional and angry, like she'd been putting up with me for too long.

"I've wanted to say this for a long time, you've always felt like our parents were wrong to send you away, so youve had this dark cloud hanging over you since you came back, you like to make everyone miserable."

"You act like we don't know, like you suffered so much when you were gone, we know youre trying to make our parents feel guilty!"

She was breathing hard, like she'd been wronged in some way.

She paused for a moment to get her crying under control and then continued.

But theres a limit, we can put up with the little things, but when it comes to something this big, something like bone marrow, you come here and ask as if it's nothing, like you don't want to put our parents in an impossible situation.

If they don't agree, youll say they're heartless. If they do, theyre risking losing both of their daughters.

"How can you be so evil, why can't you just let us be happy?"

As she spoke, she hugged my mom tightly.

After hearing what she said, my mom finally broke into tears of hurt.

"Sarah, don't... its all your father's fault, the fault of wanting to have both a son and a daughter, if it wasnt for that..."

She didnt finish what she was saying, but we all knew what she meant.

She was saying, if she hadnt had me, then none of this would be happening.

Matt stood up too, they stood on either side of my mom, their eyes full of resentment.

Sarah tilted her head back, looking determined.

Ava, I wont give you a chance to hurt our parents. I am telling you now, I will not donate any bone marrow to you.

She looked like she was ready to go to battle for them.

This has nothing to do with mom and dad, if people talk about them being heartless, tell them its all me. I am being selfish, because I cant bare to see my mother lose her two daughters.

I will take the blame, I will not donate anything to her!

She looked so serious that it seemed as if she was ready to give her life to save us.

I was fumbling with the test results in my pocket and I laughed.

After a while, I said, staring straight at Sarah, Are you sure? You're not donating, under any circumstance?"

Sarah gently wiped away her mother's tears and looked like she was ready to face the gallows.

"Absolutely not!" She said.

If you need to be mad, then be mad at me. Dont take it out on mom and dad, I am trying to get pregnant, and I am not giving up my baby for your sake.

I laughed again, this time with tears in my eyes, and felt a twinge of pity for her.

I then said in a soft voice, Thats a good point, you cant kill your baby in order to save another person's life.

Sarah, confused by my words, turned to comfort my mom.

On the other side of the room, my mother had begun to gasp, as if she was the one who had leukemia and no one was helping her.

She then started to massage her chest.

"It's your fault, Robert, you idiot! You were so desperate for both a son and a daughter!

My dad, annoyed by the tirade, slammed his hand onto the table.

He went over to where I was sitting and pulled a huge envelope out of his pocket.

He then tossed it onto the table as if he were trying to pay off a beggar.

"Whether youre actually sick or not, take this money and get the hell out of here.

If you give your mother a heart attack, dont say I didnt warn you.

The envelope was beautifully wrapped and it was clear that a lot of effort had gone into getting it ready.

When I looked at it more closely I saw the words Congratulations on the show and have fun written by hand on the front.

I looked at it mockingly, and asked, If I use this money to help save my life, it wouldnt stop your daughter from going overseas, right?"

My dad looked at me with disgust and his voice was colder than ever.

He said, "Don't try and get a reaction out of me, it was your choice to try and be treated like you're equal. Now, I have to be as blunt with you as possible.

We didn't want you, but after you were born we did what we could to make sure you had food and clothes. You shouldnt have been greedy, you shouldn't have tried to pick a fight."

He then looked away.

"I have always taken your mother's advice and I have been patient with you. However, today you were completely out of line, don't say I didn't warn you."

He had finally cast me out.

The room fell silent again.

They all gave me space to leave, waiting for me to leave their presence.

At that moment, I finally understood.

No matter how much I wanted it, I could never be a part of this family.

And honestly, I didnt care anymore.

So, the next time I looked at them, I was no longer trying to tread lightly.

I weighed the envelope in my hand and slowly got to my feet.

In my heels, I was as tall as my father.

I was no longer the young girl who used to look forward to seeing him every month.

I looked him straight in the eye and calmly asked him,

If you say you didnt want me, then why was I born?

...Did you lose control of your lower half or was I the result of a drunken one night stand?

My fathers eyes went wide and his mouth dropped open in shock.

He stuttered a bit, before raising his hand to hit me.

I moved to the side, causing him to lose his balance.

I then turned to my mother.

And you, I said.

Stop crying! You could have put your foot down a long time ago, but why didnt you?

Did my father force you to sleep with him? Was your 140 pound body unable to fight him off?

My mother stopped crying and her look of guilt had disappeared.

She pointed at me, trembling.

... Youre horrible, we have the same blood, why are you so different?

Sarah held my mom and started to cry as if her mother had been hurt.

Matt tried to grab my arm.

Their partners also joined in, trying to break up the fight.

The room was in chaos.

I was thrown around, before finally getting hit in the face by my dad.

My face snapped to the side and I felt warm blood run down my nose.

Get out! My dad screamed.

From now on, we are no longer family, the Johnsons have no connection to you!

I put my hand on my stomach.

Thankfully the baby was okay.

At that moment I realized that there was already a connection between me and that small life inside of me.

And because I wanted the baby, I couldnt give up on it.

So I raised my face and stared at him, dead in the eye.

Okay, thats what you said, Im not a Johnson anymore.

My father stared at me with disgust,

Exactly! Thats what I said! And I never take back what I say!

I wiped the blood from my face.

Good! From now on, we each have our own fate. The first one to ask for help is a loser.

My father didnt answer. However, Sarah yelled through her tears, Thats right! The first one to ask for help is a no good, good-for-nothing piece of crap. May they get struck by lightning and may their soul be forever damned!

Now get out of here, are you trying to give my mom a heart attack?

I smiled, satisfied. I then grabbed the test results from my pocket and threw them on the envelope full of money.

"Thats good, Sarah, make sure you remember what you said.

I dont want this money, it might come in handy!